On my arrival in Cologne on the 18th of April I had a day to settle in before getting ready to offer the course on "Entering the Grhastha Ashram". Devotees arrived on Friday evening from nearby cities and also from the community of Goloka Dham, eager to receive insights into this topic which was highly relevant to all participants. Most of them were unmarried and considering to enter family life - uncertain how to go about it. Some had had already a painful and disappointing experience and realized now that they needed some help.
We opened the weekend course on Friday evening and churned the topic over the entire Saturday and half the Sunday. Bhakti Bhusana Maharaja offered the Sunday feast lecture, and after the feast everybody departed on their way home. Such weekend events offer a powerful transformational experience - even the mere opportunity of being able to attend the full morning program and spend the entire two days in the association of devotees is of eternal benefit.
I like to open this topic with the sobering presentation on the difference between lust and love. As Caitanya Caritamrta states, the two are as different as iron is from gold. If we search for gold, then we better get to know its qualities first so we can distinguish it from cheap immitation. Otherwise we will be cheated. In regards to lust we are willing to sacrifice anything for our own satisfaction and sense gratification. In love we are willing to sacrifice our own interest and satisfaction for the pleasure and satisfaction of the beloved. It is entirely pure and free from even the most subtle forms of sense gratification. Understanding this deeply, we have to come to the conclusion that the man-woman relationship is indeed the furthest away from pure love, since in no other relationship the aspect of sense gratification is as prominent as in this one! A sobering discovery - especially when we are just about to enter married life! The more we understand this, the more chance we will have to be happy and satisfied in our marriage. If we enter with the wrong expectations, we will always be frustrated and disappointed. Interesting to note, that the relationship of a mother to her child is the closest to pure love in the material world - a relationship of affection in (almost) selfless service.
I personally never even use the word "love" in connection with the man-woman relationship. Whenever somebody says to me that they have "fallen in love", I usually immediately correct them by saying "fallen in lust". It doesn't sound so romantic any longer, but it is more according to actual fact. What we call "love" is emotional attachment, affection and lusty feelings, and those feelings are very flickering: today we "love" the person, and tomorrow we hate the same person. This feeling of having fallen in love lasts only for some short years, and then daily life with its quarrels and duties sets in. And the senses long for a different object of enjoyment.....
As the saying goes: it starts with courting and ends in court.....
The soul is longing for perfect and sublime love. This is so because we all have an eternal loving relationship with the Lord, which is now lost and forgotten. Only this relationship can deeply fulfill this hankering for love - no other relationship. Marriage is meant to give us stability and harmony in this world, so our mind and senses are peaceful. Then we can whole-heartedly develop that relationship which fulfills the soul's hankering for love - with Krishna....
Obviously, in material life and its culture we enter marriage with a very different approach, mindset and expectation than in spiritual life and its culture. In devotional life it is an ashram - arranged in such a way that spiritual progress is the very center, whereas in material life it is all centered around sense gratification.
In the following letter to Naiskarmi Mataji dated the 28th July, 1973 Srila Prabhupada explains us some details about entering marriage in spiritual culture:
"In Vedic society no girl was allowed to remain independent and unmarried. Independence for women means they become like prostitutes, struggling to capture some man who will take care of her. In this way the so called independent woman has to work very hard to make herself attractive by artificially wearing cosmetics - mini skirts and so many other things. Formerly the girl would be married to a suitable boy at a very early age, say six years old. But although a girl was married early she did not stay with her husband immediately, but was gradually trained in so many ways how to cook, clean and serve her husband in so many ways - up until the time of her puberty. So all the time there was no anxiety because a girl would know - I have got a husband, and the boy would know I have got this girl as my wife. Therefore when the boy and girl would come of age there was no chance of illicit sex-life. And the pychology is the first boy that a girl accepts in marriage, that girl will completely give her heart to, and this attachment on the girls side for her husband becomes more and more strong, thus if a girl gets a good husband - one who has accepted a bona fide spiritual master and is firmly fixed up in his service, automatically the wife of such a good husband inherits all the benefits of his spiritual advancement. So you are fortunate. Go on in this present attitude, serve you husband always and in this way your life will be perfect, and together husband and wife go back home - Back to Godhead."
In the purport to SB, 3.21.27 Prabhupada further explains: "The selection of a good husband for a good girl was always entrusted to the parents. Here it is clearly stated that Manu and his wife were coming to see Kardama Muni to offer their daughter because the daughter was well qualified and the parents were searching out a similarly qualified man. This is the duty of parents. Girls are never thrown into the public street to search out their husband, for when girls are grown up and are searching after a boy, they forget to consider whether the boy they select is actually suitable for them. Out of the urge of sex desire, a girl may accept anyone, but if the husband is chosen by the parents, they can consider who is to be selected and who is not. According to the Vedic system, therefore, the girl is given over to a suitable boy by the parents; she is never allowed to select her own husband independently."
When we hear such statements - especially that a girl would get married at such young age, our mind objects: "Impossible....! This is even illegal....! Child marriage...!"
What is day to the introspective sage is night for the materialist....
The fact that Srila Prabhupada explains such details to us means, that sooner or later he expects us to live according to the underlying principles of spiritual culture. Otherwise, why would he waste his time and energy with such explanations...?!
It might take many generations for us to get there.....
We do have to cultivate unflinching faith in Srila Prabhupada's words.....
I like to open this topic with the sobering presentation on the difference between lust and love. As Caitanya Caritamrta states, the two are as different as iron is from gold. If we search for gold, then we better get to know its qualities first so we can distinguish it from cheap immitation. Otherwise we will be cheated. In regards to lust we are willing to sacrifice anything for our own satisfaction and sense gratification. In love we are willing to sacrifice our own interest and satisfaction for the pleasure and satisfaction of the beloved. It is entirely pure and free from even the most subtle forms of sense gratification. Understanding this deeply, we have to come to the conclusion that the man-woman relationship is indeed the furthest away from pure love, since in no other relationship the aspect of sense gratification is as prominent as in this one! A sobering discovery - especially when we are just about to enter married life! The more we understand this, the more chance we will have to be happy and satisfied in our marriage. If we enter with the wrong expectations, we will always be frustrated and disappointed. Interesting to note, that the relationship of a mother to her child is the closest to pure love in the material world - a relationship of affection in (almost) selfless service.
I personally never even use the word "love" in connection with the man-woman relationship. Whenever somebody says to me that they have "fallen in love", I usually immediately correct them by saying "fallen in lust". It doesn't sound so romantic any longer, but it is more according to actual fact. What we call "love" is emotional attachment, affection and lusty feelings, and those feelings are very flickering: today we "love" the person, and tomorrow we hate the same person. This feeling of having fallen in love lasts only for some short years, and then daily life with its quarrels and duties sets in. And the senses long for a different object of enjoyment.....
As the saying goes: it starts with courting and ends in court.....
The soul is longing for perfect and sublime love. This is so because we all have an eternal loving relationship with the Lord, which is now lost and forgotten. Only this relationship can deeply fulfill this hankering for love - no other relationship. Marriage is meant to give us stability and harmony in this world, so our mind and senses are peaceful. Then we can whole-heartedly develop that relationship which fulfills the soul's hankering for love - with Krishna....
Obviously, in material life and its culture we enter marriage with a very different approach, mindset and expectation than in spiritual life and its culture. In devotional life it is an ashram - arranged in such a way that spiritual progress is the very center, whereas in material life it is all centered around sense gratification.
In the following letter to Naiskarmi Mataji dated the 28th July, 1973 Srila Prabhupada explains us some details about entering marriage in spiritual culture:
"In Vedic society no girl was allowed to remain independent and unmarried. Independence for women means they become like prostitutes, struggling to capture some man who will take care of her. In this way the so called independent woman has to work very hard to make herself attractive by artificially wearing cosmetics - mini skirts and so many other things. Formerly the girl would be married to a suitable boy at a very early age, say six years old. But although a girl was married early she did not stay with her husband immediately, but was gradually trained in so many ways how to cook, clean and serve her husband in so many ways - up until the time of her puberty. So all the time there was no anxiety because a girl would know - I have got a husband, and the boy would know I have got this girl as my wife. Therefore when the boy and girl would come of age there was no chance of illicit sex-life. And the pychology is the first boy that a girl accepts in marriage, that girl will completely give her heart to, and this attachment on the girls side for her husband becomes more and more strong, thus if a girl gets a good husband - one who has accepted a bona fide spiritual master and is firmly fixed up in his service, automatically the wife of such a good husband inherits all the benefits of his spiritual advancement. So you are fortunate. Go on in this present attitude, serve you husband always and in this way your life will be perfect, and together husband and wife go back home - Back to Godhead."
In the purport to SB, 3.21.27 Prabhupada further explains: "The selection of a good husband for a good girl was always entrusted to the parents. Here it is clearly stated that Manu and his wife were coming to see Kardama Muni to offer their daughter because the daughter was well qualified and the parents were searching out a similarly qualified man. This is the duty of parents. Girls are never thrown into the public street to search out their husband, for when girls are grown up and are searching after a boy, they forget to consider whether the boy they select is actually suitable for them. Out of the urge of sex desire, a girl may accept anyone, but if the husband is chosen by the parents, they can consider who is to be selected and who is not. According to the Vedic system, therefore, the girl is given over to a suitable boy by the parents; she is never allowed to select her own husband independently."
When we hear such statements - especially that a girl would get married at such young age, our mind objects: "Impossible....! This is even illegal....! Child marriage...!"
What is day to the introspective sage is night for the materialist....
The fact that Srila Prabhupada explains such details to us means, that sooner or later he expects us to live according to the underlying principles of spiritual culture. Otherwise, why would he waste his time and energy with such explanations...?!
It might take many generations for us to get there.....
We do have to cultivate unflinching faith in Srila Prabhupada's words.....
Devotees felt very enlivened by the new discoveries they had made - so much so that some stepped forward to establish a marriage committee in Cologne. An unexpected yet very encouraging by-product of the seminar.....
On the 24th of April we took the train to Passau to visit Simhachalam....
Your servant, Devaki dd
On the 24th of April we took the train to Passau to visit Simhachalam....
Your servant, Devaki dd
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